Okay, I Have To Admit, If My Life Were A Movie, It Would Be Pretty Damn Good....

Salaam. (haha. i was watching Aladdin a couple nights ago with some friends. Don't judge. Old School Disney ROCKS!) Haven't posted in about a week. Sorry about that. I haven't been on the internet much lately-- I've been to busy living a crazy, fucking random life.

Where to begin? Ah yes, with Maddy. Maddy has been getting a lot of bad reps on this blog in the past couple of posts. I have to say that she deserves it and that whole....situation.... will be dealt with slowly, and hopefully calmly, throughout the summer. I am not about to cut off my best friend for being herself. I just have to show her that she is hurting the people that care about her and making a fool of herself in the process. (FYI I LOVE ADRIEANNE PEREZ!!!! My fucking security blanket, seriously)

So my crazy life. We were at Steph's drinking when Audi goes, 'Lets, Lets do something! I know! Lets go dancing! I wanna go dancing right now!" So Maddy suggests we go to Attitudes. We end up going. There is a slightly older guy (like mid to late 20s) looking at me and everyone is like "OMG look look! he is checking you out" I'm like, i'm not blind people. So i go over and talk to him and we dance. We just kinda danced but next to each other, if you understand what i am saying. Later, i asked if he wanted to dance again and this time i got really close and was touching his back and stuff and getting close to his neck. Well, he pulls me to the bathroom and stuff happens. For the rest of the night, i'm just sitting there thinking to myself, "did that really happen? did that happen to me? that wasn't a movie or a book, that was just my life!" So yeah. I like to think that i got caught up in the moment, because he gave me his number but i never called. Like exactly 36 hours later, my conscious kicked in and i was like, 'that was wrong and detrimental to your soul. don't do that again." Well, on fri we are going back to attitudes, but lets hope we can leave out the random hookup this time.

Sean Francis Dugan. Back in my life again, full force. Hopefully, I won't fuck it up this time.

I'm sick. It's not fun. Went to the doctor and they told me everything that i already knew. Whatev people. Just because you have a white coat doesn't make you jesus with a stethoscope.

Um. BTW. Greek is probably the coolest thing in the entire world. If you disagree, then you have never studied ancient greek and therefore, you have no right to talk. Piss off. I watched The Mummy last night with Steph and her roommate Stacie. That makes me want to learn Hieroglyphics. Good thing i have a couple of books on my Amazon Wish list.....ha!
Could George be taking hold of his life? Could a change be on the horizon? I seriously doubt it. But if it's the same old shit again, he'll definitely know how to deal with it and move on.

Hello Summer

So the beginning of week 2 of summer is just beginning. Of course, i am at work, waiting for something to finish running/staining/blocking/binding/spinning/etc. If finished the Iliad and i pretty much came all over myself as i was reading the last page. It was amazing. Now, I'm reading the Odyssey, which is an awesome book and also gives me flashbacks to freshman year, which are nice. It's Kaite's birthday on tuesday and i hope i can have people over after the debacle that was my pimps and hoes party. My dad was pretty pissed about that but at least i came out with a lesson: never EVER drink alcohol after you have smoked pot. NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER. Just don't do it. There is no reason. I was fucked up enough and then keegan came out with a bottle of rum and i took a swig, and about thirty seconds later it was throwing up. goddamn. oh well. I did get to see everyone and i got to see my Lyss. She is leaving today. Major frown. I had so much fun with her and i am definitely going to Seattle in august to see her. i also have to buy a plane ticket to philie to see Alison! aaahhhhh. I need money. oh well, working at least 30hrs a week here will give me some cash. At least i am learing loads of stuff from reading and working here now.


ps. bbc radio 4 pretty much kicks ass!

Leave Behind the Half-Life

Days until Exams begin: 1
Days until I return to STL: 8

What to say?

I wen to Harriet's last night, saw everyone i've ever met at Loyola. Had a blast! Dropped my almost full pack of ciggies in the cab with my favorite lighter. That kinda got me down. I'm running low on money, motivation, and congeniality. Seriously. More than once this week i was like,' i really don't have to be nice anymore, i am never gonna see half of these people ever again.'

Rodger is fucked up. He came that way. I called in and they are sending a me Blake. Oscar, Rodger, Blake, goddamn. Fucking cell phone.

I am really going to miss Alison. We would be the perfect couple if i was straight (on that note, i made out with a girl while i was drunk for the first time. it was VERY awkward. kinda comforting though to know that i do not like the punani), probs even more than maddy and me. That is the thing, Maddy and I nine months ago would have been the most amazing couple in the history of the world. I'm talking, we could charm a complete stranger into co signing on a million dollar loan if we wanted to. We were that good together. Now, she is obsessed with Audi, which is in no way a bad thing. I love Audi just like i love Maddy, Steph and Katie. It's just that Maddy is not like Steph. Steph seemed destined to be the way she is. Maddy does great with the whole relationship thing, but she isn't the same and i can't figure out if i like that or if i don't. So far, from what i have observed from my trips home, i do not like it. It's not that im not the center of attention, because i was never the center of attention. It's just that i don't feel needed nor appreciated. If i don't call maddy, i won't see her. That upsets me. I love seeing maddy, but i don't feel like she loves seeing me. It's becomming more and more apparent that ALL she wants to do is hang out with Audi.

If you are reading this maddy: remember when we used to make fun of Steph and Katie for only talking to each other, for not wanting to socialize and never calling us, and spending ever waking hour either being with or talking on the phone with each other, well it looks like you have hit that phase sweetie.

It is going to be a million times worse this summer because it is going to be Maddy and Audi's final summer before Maddy goes to Portland and Audi goes to LA. I don't mean any of this in a malicious way. This is just the way it is going to be. I have to deal with it. Whatev. I guess i have a lot of figuring out to do this summer.

In persepective, i would take my problems with my girls at home over loyola any day. In relation to the title, i will be leaving behind a half-life; a life that was enriched by few. when i was home, i caught myself giving the fake sense of interest and concern that i have had to put on here at loyola with so many people. I have to stop that. I finally get to be me. I am so excited!!!!!

Joyous Beltane!!

Days until exams: 7
Days until the end of school: 12

So a few posts ago, i said i was looking into wicca. Well, today is Belatne or May day. It celebrates the marriage of the God (lord of the forests) and Goddess (the earth mother). It marks the beginninig of spring and new renewed furvor of nature in prepearation for the summer solstice. Everyone should light a candle in celebration and just enjoy the spring weather- the animals reemerging, the greening of the earth, the warming of the days, the falling of spring rain.

When i get home, i start my fast. No processed foods (or very little), no meat, no smoking, reverence, reflection...it's going to amazing. I really need this. My life is chaos and i need to regroup and realign before i start my new life at home. It will be a new life indeed because i will be taking everything that i leared from college, all the memories of yearning for things at home, and applying them. I want everyone to help me and encourage me. Just keep me in check basically. I really want this and i need help.

In other news, Rodger arrived today. Oscar is in a box. Rodger is the same phone as Oscar, which is nice because i won't have to learn an entire new operating system. So, feel free to call me.

Requiem for Oscar

Okay, Oscar is dead. Be sad. For those of you who are not sure who i am talking about, you will soon find out. Oscar is my phone. We were having problems. He was going mute. I had to replace him. There will be a short service with refershments on Monday. Shortly after, there will be a welcoming party for Rodger, my new phone who should be en route. Please, RSVP and gifts are encouraged.

On a lighter note, i am ready for school to be fucking over. My life was due on Friday, and after handing it over to my goddamn professors, i have mentally checked out of this school.

I can't wait for home!!!! To have a job. To be with my friends. Oh my friends.....i love them. I think this will be my final summer with Maddy in town. She probably be going to Portland to learn to be some snot nose kid's nanny in the fall. This summer will be glorious.

I am almost finished with the Iliad and i will soon be starting the Odyssey. It will be nice to be reading a book with a discernable plot line.

Speaking of books, i have to start compiling my summer book list. And on that note, i have to start amassing funds for this summer book list.

Read the Kite Runner. I had to read it for my writing seminar class and it was an amazing book. I want to go to the middle east so badly now.

Also, i was surfing the BBC website and i was reading about Bhutan. I am going there.

My job.....yay!

I'm really getting fed up with this shit

As the title states, i am really fucking sick of this place. AHHHHHHHHHH. I miss maddy, steph (their respecive spouses), my lyss, my dad, thomas.........everyone.

So here is the highlight of the week: The Admrial.
The admrial is an all nude strip club off of Lawrence and Pulaski that i went to last night. What was i doing at a strip club on a tuesday night? Probably the same thing all my cohorts at school were doing-- homework. Yes i was doing research for my Anthropology ethnography. With a full blessing from my teacher and a $15 cover charge, i was exposed to the erotic dances of people like Clover and Dakota. At first, me and my friend nina (who was doing hers also on strip clubs) were a little taken aback by the dancing and overall bare nature of these girls, but after watching like 10 dances on stage, having numerous strippers come up to us asking if we would like a couples dance, and spending $5 for a coffee, i got comfortable with it. We were a little weary of asking questions, but we managed to get some info from the waitress on a whim, then we formarly asked the manager for permisson to talk to the girls and him later. He said, 'ok' and we got to talk to Dakota for a good half an hour about her job, her life, her view on the clients, and her view of herself. Twas pretty awesome. And even better, it will make a kick ass ethnography.

On another note, i was really melancholy today and i decided to take a nap around 7 in the lounge. After being woken up, i moved to my room. At around 11, my roommate walked in, turned on his light and the tv, and proceeded to surf the channels with normal volume. After stirring in my bed to hint to him that maybe he should tune everything down, i just gave up and sat up in my bed. He said, "oh, did i wake you?' and i just said, "yes, yes you did." Then, as i was getting my shmokes, he turns off the tv. AAAHHHHHHHHHH. WTF? So tonight, i will be making a ruckess whilest he tries to sleep. Eye for an eye, like the bible which he so loves says.

V for Vendetta

The opening lines of V for Vendetta:

Remember Remember the fifth of November, The gunpowder, treason, and plot.
I know of no reason why the gunpowder treason should ever be forgot.

But what of the man?
I know his name way Guy Fawlkes and i know in 1605 he attempted to blow up the houses of parlaiment.
But who was he really? what was he like?

We are told to remember the idea and not the man.
A man can fail.
He can be caught, he can be killed and forgotten.

But 400 years later an idea can still change the world.

I have witnessed firsthand the power of ideas.
I have seen people kill in the name of them and die defending them.

But you cannot kiss an idea; you cannot touch it or hold it.
Ideas do not bleed, they do not feel pain.
The do not love.

And it is not an idea that i miss, it is a man.
A man that made me remember the fifth of Novemeber.
A man that i will never forget.


I love this move!

Feel

have you ever felt numb? I'm not talking about pain. i mean have you ever realized that you haven't felt a true, genuine emotion in a long time. nothing really moves you. nothing surprises you. it isn't so much the monotony of the day or week, but that the spark in you isn't there. like your passion is gone. i'm not talking the empty shell feeling. that is what one feels when one is depressed. i'm talking about the feeling of when you are full of the need to experience life, but life isn't really feeding your hunger. you haven't been truly scared or hurt or happy or sad in a long time. i want that. i feel like something bad is going to happen that will hit me. i feel like i need something.

i used to be into wicca. no joke. i really like how it takes the things that we do not recognize anymore, the things that people have recognized all throughout history up until very recently, and it celebrates them. like the phases of the moon. no one keeps track of that anymore. people just comment when it looks big or creepy. what if we had lunar months? what if we celebrated the sabbats like yule, beltane (may day), or ludansagah? those are celebrations that revere the fact that another year has passed, that thank the earth for supporting us, that celebrate life. maybe i should give that a shot again. ease in slowly instead of immersing myself like last time.

what about other things? is astrology real? tarot cards? divination? who are we to say that, when done properly by a true seer, that they can tell the future? it all seems far fetched when read, i know. as i type this i am questioning myself. but really, if christians can believe in a trinity and transsubstantiation, that hindus can believe in reincarnation, why does wicca sound so out there? i think it is really peaceful and honorable. i think it embraces and enriches contemporary life by drawing attention back to nature, to our inner selves. it has an air of mysticism. it has a history that goes back many millenia. i am going to read up on it and make a decision.

what i really need, though, is feeling. i need it back. i see all my destructive habits as attempts to rekindle feeling. i need to stop. i need to reflect.