Requiem for Oscar

Okay, Oscar is dead. Be sad. For those of you who are not sure who i am talking about, you will soon find out. Oscar is my phone. We were having problems. He was going mute. I had to replace him. There will be a short service with refershments on Monday. Shortly after, there will be a welcoming party for Rodger, my new phone who should be en route. Please, RSVP and gifts are encouraged.

On a lighter note, i am ready for school to be fucking over. My life was due on Friday, and after handing it over to my goddamn professors, i have mentally checked out of this school.

I can't wait for home!!!! To have a job. To be with my friends. Oh my friends.....i love them. I think this will be my final summer with Maddy in town. She probably be going to Portland to learn to be some snot nose kid's nanny in the fall. This summer will be glorious.

I am almost finished with the Iliad and i will soon be starting the Odyssey. It will be nice to be reading a book with a discernable plot line.

Speaking of books, i have to start compiling my summer book list. And on that note, i have to start amassing funds for this summer book list.

Read the Kite Runner. I had to read it for my writing seminar class and it was an amazing book. I want to go to the middle east so badly now.

Also, i was surfing the BBC website and i was reading about Bhutan. I am going there.

My job.....yay!

I'm really getting fed up with this shit

As the title states, i am really fucking sick of this place. AHHHHHHHHHH. I miss maddy, steph (their respecive spouses), my lyss, my dad, thomas.........everyone.

So here is the highlight of the week: The Admrial.
The admrial is an all nude strip club off of Lawrence and Pulaski that i went to last night. What was i doing at a strip club on a tuesday night? Probably the same thing all my cohorts at school were doing-- homework. Yes i was doing research for my Anthropology ethnography. With a full blessing from my teacher and a $15 cover charge, i was exposed to the erotic dances of people like Clover and Dakota. At first, me and my friend nina (who was doing hers also on strip clubs) were a little taken aback by the dancing and overall bare nature of these girls, but after watching like 10 dances on stage, having numerous strippers come up to us asking if we would like a couples dance, and spending $5 for a coffee, i got comfortable with it. We were a little weary of asking questions, but we managed to get some info from the waitress on a whim, then we formarly asked the manager for permisson to talk to the girls and him later. He said, 'ok' and we got to talk to Dakota for a good half an hour about her job, her life, her view on the clients, and her view of herself. Twas pretty awesome. And even better, it will make a kick ass ethnography.

On another note, i was really melancholy today and i decided to take a nap around 7 in the lounge. After being woken up, i moved to my room. At around 11, my roommate walked in, turned on his light and the tv, and proceeded to surf the channels with normal volume. After stirring in my bed to hint to him that maybe he should tune everything down, i just gave up and sat up in my bed. He said, "oh, did i wake you?' and i just said, "yes, yes you did." Then, as i was getting my shmokes, he turns off the tv. AAAHHHHHHHHHH. WTF? So tonight, i will be making a ruckess whilest he tries to sleep. Eye for an eye, like the bible which he so loves says.

V for Vendetta

The opening lines of V for Vendetta:

Remember Remember the fifth of November, The gunpowder, treason, and plot.
I know of no reason why the gunpowder treason should ever be forgot.

But what of the man?
I know his name way Guy Fawlkes and i know in 1605 he attempted to blow up the houses of parlaiment.
But who was he really? what was he like?

We are told to remember the idea and not the man.
A man can fail.
He can be caught, he can be killed and forgotten.

But 400 years later an idea can still change the world.

I have witnessed firsthand the power of ideas.
I have seen people kill in the name of them and die defending them.

But you cannot kiss an idea; you cannot touch it or hold it.
Ideas do not bleed, they do not feel pain.
The do not love.

And it is not an idea that i miss, it is a man.
A man that made me remember the fifth of Novemeber.
A man that i will never forget.


I love this move!

Feel

have you ever felt numb? I'm not talking about pain. i mean have you ever realized that you haven't felt a true, genuine emotion in a long time. nothing really moves you. nothing surprises you. it isn't so much the monotony of the day or week, but that the spark in you isn't there. like your passion is gone. i'm not talking the empty shell feeling. that is what one feels when one is depressed. i'm talking about the feeling of when you are full of the need to experience life, but life isn't really feeding your hunger. you haven't been truly scared or hurt or happy or sad in a long time. i want that. i feel like something bad is going to happen that will hit me. i feel like i need something.

i used to be into wicca. no joke. i really like how it takes the things that we do not recognize anymore, the things that people have recognized all throughout history up until very recently, and it celebrates them. like the phases of the moon. no one keeps track of that anymore. people just comment when it looks big or creepy. what if we had lunar months? what if we celebrated the sabbats like yule, beltane (may day), or ludansagah? those are celebrations that revere the fact that another year has passed, that thank the earth for supporting us, that celebrate life. maybe i should give that a shot again. ease in slowly instead of immersing myself like last time.

what about other things? is astrology real? tarot cards? divination? who are we to say that, when done properly by a true seer, that they can tell the future? it all seems far fetched when read, i know. as i type this i am questioning myself. but really, if christians can believe in a trinity and transsubstantiation, that hindus can believe in reincarnation, why does wicca sound so out there? i think it is really peaceful and honorable. i think it embraces and enriches contemporary life by drawing attention back to nature, to our inner selves. it has an air of mysticism. it has a history that goes back many millenia. i am going to read up on it and make a decision.

what i really need, though, is feeling. i need it back. i see all my destructive habits as attempts to rekindle feeling. i need to stop. i need to reflect.

Remember, Remember...

So i saw V for Vendetta a couple weeks ago. I am completely obsesses. I watch it almost everyday. It is probably the most significant movie i have seen in a long time.

I BS'd my UCWR presentation, i'm finished with the paper, and all i have to do is read Kite Runner (which i heard was really good) and then i am finished with that class. AAHHHH

Home was nice, but not as nice as i wanted. It started out great, but i didn't get to hang out with Maddy as much as i wanted. Plus, i think the whole catholic easter together time did a toll on my mood. Whatev, i am celebrating the 7 hold days.

Talked to Ronnie. That was uncomfortable. Tried to se Al, that didn't work out. I think i am done with wanting a relationship. If someone pops up, then snaps for me, but otherwise i am not trying anymore.

Why are there so many ppl in bio class? Probably because there is a test on thursday. I could fucking teach this class. Well, most of it.

4 more days until i can go home again.

And what of the rest?

Wow.

I am a fucking mess. hahaha. xanga humor. jk.

No, i'm fine. I started taking my aderall again (to which i am prescribed by a neurologist thank you very much), so i am super productive. At least, i have the capacity to be. Some things will never change.

Alison and i are getting married. I am going to have to move to Utah at this rate.

Why do i think about M. Pomme? A vestige of my former existence perchance? Like i said before, some things will never change. Everybody needs something or someone in their life that they can admire, but never attain.

My dad. Amazing.

I finished Jared Diamond's 'The third chimpanzee' (which, btw, was quite amazing) and now i want to read the Iliad and the Odyssey in succession. I am pretty much in love.

I saw a production of the Orestia by Aschelyus (sp?) today. It was amazing. The actors were so powerful, the play was magnificent. You know a play and the actors are superb when a script can transcend 2,500 years and still be significant and contemporary in its aims.

I could im M. Pomme right now. You know, make a little chit chat, 'why are you up so late?' etc etc. No, i won't. I want to, but i won't. He really is amazing, and i know very little about him personally. Adonis incarnate? Probs. A great, interesting person? Most likely. Completely heterosexual? Bingo!!

I get to see Alyssa when i go home!!!!!!!! Love the lyss. Seriously, she is a doll. She probs misses Seattle so much. I hope to visit her on the west coast soon.

I'm a little downtrodden, probs the EA thing. I know, 'that's like the third time he's mentioned him.' You know what? This is my xanga and i will obsess over whoever i damn well please. I don't want pity points. I want CLOSURE.

This week is going to be hell. Lots of rescheduling to do. All because of my beautiful older sister and her preoccupation with her own schedule and not mine. I love you but you are a pain in the ass. But i love you. So there.

Sharon Walsh. WTF? Immigration? What were you thinking? Seriously....

Okay. I'm done. Leave lots of comments so i will feel loved and appreciated. (you don't have to, but i would enjoy hearing feedback on my most interesting life. plus, if you have advice, lay it on me!)

Procrastination

I don't know what the problem is, but i have been a huge procrastinator lately. I'm talking putting off important shit until the last minute. I can understand why i do it for my writing seminar class though because i am completely unintersted in the topic of my paper (and the whole class for that matter). I don't know what to do because i cannot do this at WashU.

I was up really late last night in my bed thinking of what i want done when i die. It sounds very morbid, but it was a very healthy look at how i want people to remember me. I think that everyone should plan that eventually.

The relationship department has been looking grimm the past couple of weeks. After all the shit with sean (who, btw, still hasn't talked or even looked at me) and ronnie, it makes me question whether i want one. Wait, this is silly. Of course i want one, but now i'm getting to the point where i am getting selective. Those two debacles taught me a lot about myself an what i really want and the capacity of human beings to be complete pieces of shit.

Sometimes i just feel like flirting. Seriously. Like right now, i could just start aimlessly flirting with someone.

I talked with maddy about the whole colorado/nanny situation and she cleared a lot of things up. My only qualm is if she doesn't have a solid plan. I will stand by her no matter what she chooses, but i don't want to see her get herself into a sticky situation. She is da bomb.

My dad (who is still the most amazing person) makes my soul smile.

I have everything in for WashU except for my essay and my midsemester report. Need to get those two. My essay is basically written and my midsemester report should be completed tomorrow when i have Dr Kroll sign it. Feels good to complete something.

Maddy

Okay, i don't know if she reads this, but i will be writing this regardless.

I am nervous about Maddy. I seriously am. When we entered college, she was doing great; she went to school, she had her jobs, and she was with audi. Now, she isn't going to school (which is totally not her fault), she has two new better jobs, and she is still with audi. Okay. So , her is where my nervousness comes in. She started talking to me about going away to colorado, by herself mind you, to go to a nanny school and to probably find work with a rich family or something. She said that she can see audi on the weekends because she will only be a couple states away. WTF? SERIOUSLY!!!!!!!!! She hasn't even finished freshman year of college, she has her entire friend and family base in stl, and one of the only reasons that she is doing this is so she can be closer to audi. HERE"S the reality check: people have long distance relationships all the time without uprooting their entire future to be some rich, spoiled brat's nanny. I can't believe this. And the not calling me back thing is completely ridiculus.

In the end, i feel that she is leaving me, and that it doesn't bother her. That she has audi now and i have passed my usefulness. I was so excited to have her in town next yearl, but if she were to leave, i don't think that i would be able to do it. I really and genuinely feel like she doesn't care about me and that is starting to hurt me. My really close friends here talk to their best friends all the time, every day actually. They call their friends and their friends call them, but i don't get any calls from my best friend. I love maddy more than is probably healthy, and to hear her making all these plans and to not talk to me or discuss any of them with me like my input doesnt matter really really hurts.

The whole thing with audi is such another deal. In my opinion, audi was the most amazing thing that could ever happen to maddy, but i question the advice that audi is giving maddy. Is audi really thinking in terms of reality? Does she okay all this or does she hint to maddy that this is a HUGE chance? All i do know for sure is that audi makes maddy the happiest girl in the world, and that is all that i need to approve of her.

I need to be home. I should have went home this weekend.. I need to be home.