Leave Behind the Half-Life

Days until Exams begin: 1
Days until I return to STL: 8

What to say?

I wen to Harriet's last night, saw everyone i've ever met at Loyola. Had a blast! Dropped my almost full pack of ciggies in the cab with my favorite lighter. That kinda got me down. I'm running low on money, motivation, and congeniality. Seriously. More than once this week i was like,' i really don't have to be nice anymore, i am never gonna see half of these people ever again.'

Rodger is fucked up. He came that way. I called in and they are sending a me Blake. Oscar, Rodger, Blake, goddamn. Fucking cell phone.

I am really going to miss Alison. We would be the perfect couple if i was straight (on that note, i made out with a girl while i was drunk for the first time. it was VERY awkward. kinda comforting though to know that i do not like the punani), probs even more than maddy and me. That is the thing, Maddy and I nine months ago would have been the most amazing couple in the history of the world. I'm talking, we could charm a complete stranger into co signing on a million dollar loan if we wanted to. We were that good together. Now, she is obsessed with Audi, which is in no way a bad thing. I love Audi just like i love Maddy, Steph and Katie. It's just that Maddy is not like Steph. Steph seemed destined to be the way she is. Maddy does great with the whole relationship thing, but she isn't the same and i can't figure out if i like that or if i don't. So far, from what i have observed from my trips home, i do not like it. It's not that im not the center of attention, because i was never the center of attention. It's just that i don't feel needed nor appreciated. If i don't call maddy, i won't see her. That upsets me. I love seeing maddy, but i don't feel like she loves seeing me. It's becomming more and more apparent that ALL she wants to do is hang out with Audi.

If you are reading this maddy: remember when we used to make fun of Steph and Katie for only talking to each other, for not wanting to socialize and never calling us, and spending ever waking hour either being with or talking on the phone with each other, well it looks like you have hit that phase sweetie.

It is going to be a million times worse this summer because it is going to be Maddy and Audi's final summer before Maddy goes to Portland and Audi goes to LA. I don't mean any of this in a malicious way. This is just the way it is going to be. I have to deal with it. Whatev. I guess i have a lot of figuring out to do this summer.

In persepective, i would take my problems with my girls at home over loyola any day. In relation to the title, i will be leaving behind a half-life; a life that was enriched by few. when i was home, i caught myself giving the fake sense of interest and concern that i have had to put on here at loyola with so many people. I have to stop that. I finally get to be me. I am so excited!!!!!