Duality

At the request of a very good friend, I have decided to journal. I know I have a blog, but this will not be solely about my current escapades or the happenings of my life. No. This will be much more reflective; almost an analysis of my thoughts and feelings. I hope everyone enjoys.

So I was thinking of what to write and an interesting concept popped into my head: duality. Duality is, I believe, the essence of analysis of the world. The most common symbol for duality is yin yang. Wikipedia defines yin and yang respectively: Yin, the darker element, is passive, dark, feminine, downward-seeking, and corresponds to the night; yang, the brighter element, is active, light, masculine, upward-seeking and corresponds to the day.

But I am not going for the Te Ching version of duality. I am talking about the duality of people. How many times a day do we swing from a happy mood to a depressive daze? It seems like anything can flick the switch; a funny story can brighten a day, while a sad song or even just talking to a sibling or a parent can be so frustrating that your entire day is ruined, or so it seems. What causes that? I am not trying to get into bipolarism, I am just trying to figure out what is it that makes people more susceptible to these swings? Personally, I believe that these swings are the results of a person living on the edge. No, not in an X-treme way. I’m talking about someone that is either depressed, lonely, or lost without meaning

I have been depressed. In fact, I truly believe that I have been fighting depression for about 4 years and that I will have to deal with it for the rest of my life. I think that people who aren’t depressed do not understand what it is like to live from moment to moment looking for something, just that one thing that is going to make you better forever, whether it is a person, a new job, a hobby, a boyfriend/girlfriend, or something like that.

I think that is the problem with me and the problem with depression; I experience things very very intensely. When I see someone I think is cute that might like me, I almost obsess over them because I don’t want that to be the one that got away. Of course, that means that I get so nervous that I can’t talk to them and then I either alienate them by being really loud and obnoxious, or they walk away knowing nothing about be because I am so quiet.

It is a state of extremes. So where will I find that person, or that thing to cure me? I don’t know. People tell me that I am young (which I am) and that all I need to do is be patient (which I am not) and someone will come my way. Well, I have seen my two best friends find their someone, and being the 5^th wheel now is shitty.

For duality’s sake, I just need to find my balance on my own because, in the end, and as cliché as this may sound, I am the only one that can truly know how to make myself happy.